For generations, social conventions have obligated individuals to not only take care of their own family but also extend help to other family members, whether it's offering to loan money, give up space in your own home, or even spend money to fix other people's mistakes. Many of us feel guilty if we don't feel that we are offering sufficient assistance to our own children, parents, grandparents, and even other family members. But where do our obligations start and end? Should we spend our whole lives meeting the needs of others, offering our time, efforts, and own money to support family members? Let's break down the idea of family obligations and how they can play out in different scenarios.
Let's start with one of the most common scenarios in family support: lending money to parents, siblings, or other family members. First of all, we need to recognize that financial obligations to family members are not always clear-cut. In any case, consider your own financial goals and priorities when deciding how to help others. If you have enough money that you can easily loan money to a sister who is temporarily struggling, then no problem. If you are struggling to save money yourself and your parents expect you to financially support your sister due to a lack of being financially responsible in her own life, that can be a different story.
Understand, too, that lending money to family members can create complex relationships and expectations. Whether consciously or unconsciously, when you loan money, there can be resentment on both sides if there is not open and honest communication around the transaction. Be sure to set clear boundaries and communicate your intentions.
Acknowledge that family members may have different financial values and habits—be mindful of these differences when making financial decisions. If your mom cashes her social security checks and spends them at the casino, maybe adding your own money to her bank account isn't a great idea unless you set up some external guardrails.
Some kids spend their whole lives trying to please their family and feel guilty when they don't give in entirely to the demands of their parents, siblings, or even their own children. If you are being taken advantage of and asked to spend money on family members who rarely if ever pay you back and don't offer reciprocal love or affection, it may be time to re-evaluate.
A "family forever" attitude may not be the healthiest one in some situations. Adult children with their own lives should not be continually leaned on by their other family members for emotional or practical support. For example, if you have a parent who calls every day or demands to see you every weekend despite your own busy schedule, this can be considered unhealthy.
This type of expectation can be experienced in a thousand different ways. You are expected to give your cousin a ride to work every other day, even though they work on the opposite side of town from you. You are expected to let your brother stay at your house even though he can afford a hotel. You are expected to invite your aunt to Christmas dinner, even though you are queer, and she famously argues against LGBTQ issues in any family setting.
Life is not often cut and dry, and sometimes you may want to compromise. For example, let's say that your mom can be a bit overbearing at times but is generally kind and loving. You may not cut her out of your life, but you can decide that one phone call a week is enough.
If the help that a family member wants is something that you are willing and happy to give, and don't feel any resentment around, then by all means offer that help. However, when favors have gotten out of hand, or you offered to do something one time and now find that you've been doing it for the past few years, you may want to evaluate next steps.
By choosing to offer the help that you want to help with, rather than the help that is forced upon you, you can protect your own mental health and maintain more positive relationships with your other family members.
If you feel that your family members always seem to want or need something from you, take some time to evaluate what is realistic and doable and what is not. When you are being pressured to support family in a way that makes you uncomfortable, practice setting boundaries and enforcing them assertively.
Assertiveness is a form of communication that allows you to state what you want honestly and respectfully while being considerate of others. You can find assertiveness skills online, or you can work with a therapist to practice this type of communication.
As the old saying goes, "You must fill your own cup before filling the cups of others." By maintaining your own mental health and maintaining firm boundaries, you are better equipped to offer help to family members, whether it is emotional or financial.
When it comes to financial life, prioritize building an emergency fund to protect yourself from financial shocks. You may also want to consider investing in your own financial future, such as retirement funds or a savings account. Evaluate your own financial responsibilities and prioritize your own financial goals before focusing on helping other family members financially.
It is kind to offer family money when they need it, but it should not be an expectation. Nor should you maintain the mindset that "only I can save them" when it comes to family relationships, whether it comes to money, time, or emotional labor. If your family constantly asks for your help but rarely offers it in return, continuing to jump for them may prevent them from cultivating self-sufficiency.
At Williamsburg Therapy Group, our team of doctoral-level Brooklyn psychotherapists offers a number of evidence-based therapeutic approaches to talk therapy that offer the tools necessary for building positive relationships, unraveling complicated family dynamics, and learning how to set boundaries and communicate assertively with others.
If you are having trouble navigating money issues or feel like your family may be taking advantage of you, call our service coordinator to be matched with a therapist that can offer strategies and support for conflict resolution and assertive communication skills and help you improve self-esteem.