A new relationship can be exciting but stressful too. When getting to know a person that we have strong feelings for, we want to come off as our very best selves. Many of us who navigate intimate relationships can find ourselves scrutinizing our partner's words or examining the things we say in a way that can lead to anxious thoughts.
Romantic partners see the best and the worst in each other, and it is difficult to be vulnerable with another person. For this reason, overthinking in relationships is incredibly common. So what can we do when we're feeling anxious about how to be real with our partner? Let's examine the phenomenon of overthinking in a relationship: causes, what it looks like, and how we can stop overthinking and start being ourselves without apology.
Learning to stop overthinking in a romantic relationship can begin by understanding why we do it, and how it can negatively impact us. Overthinking in a relationship can lead to distorted thoughts, anxiety, and ineffective communication, which can lead to poor mental health and self-esteem.
You'll want to identify the root causes of your anxiety, such as past relational trauma, feelings of insecurity, or a desire for control. Some of us use overthinking as a coping mechanism for anxiety and a way to gain control in a romantic relationship. We often feel insecure when revealing ourselves to others, especially when also dealing with lack of trust, low self-esteem, or past experiences that left us hurt.
How to stop overthinking in a relationship starts with identifying the problem; the first step is understanding you need to change, and from there you can incorporate practical strategies to shift your thinking. Practicing self-awareness and self-reflection can be helpful when you’re engaging in unhelpful or negative thinking patterns.
First, challenge your anxious thoughts by examining them objectively and asking yourself if they’re supported by fact or feeling. Next, learn to reframe negative thoughts and focus on the present moment. Finally, develop a growth mindset and recognize that a healthy relationship requires effort and communication to thrive.
Learning how to communicate clearly and effectively can help you to stop overthinking behaviors in a relationship. When you communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, you can feel a greater sense of clarity in your connection and feel more secure.
Good communication starts with effective listening. Practice active listening and to understand your partner’s perspective. Ask clarifying questions, make eye contact, and use body language that shows interest (lean in, nod, shake your head, etc.)
Focus on building trust and intimacy in your relationship by being vulnerable and sharing your own thoughts and feelings with your partner. You can also cultivate emotional intelligence and learn new ways of being in relationships.
Recognize that uncertainty and ambiguity are natural parts of any relationship. Even in a healthy relationship, you may not know all possible outcomes or have a perfect understanding of the other person. Learn to challenge your root fears and be okay with some ambiguity in your current relationship by doing the following:
Practice mindfulness and meditation to stay present and focused. You can manage stress by focusing on taking deep breaths and engaging in grounding exercises to calm your mind and body.
Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and cultivate gratitude for those aspects. You may even start a gratitude journal to help you keep track, and you can revisit some of your entries when you overthink things.
Recognize that the present is all you can control. This is a key factor in improving mental health overall.
If you are having trouble managing your thoughts on your own, you may consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in anxiety in relationships.
Practice self-compassion and recognize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Support from friends, family, or a support group to talk through your feelings and concerns is a great idea and can help you minimize overthinking in a relationship.
Recognize that relationship overthinking can be a sign of underlying issues that need to be addressed. If you notice that your tendency to overthink is negatively impacting your life or relationships, you may want to talk to a therapist for potential solutions.
To recap: practice reflection and awareness to recognize when you’re engaging in overthinking. Identify your triggers and patterns of overthinking, and learn to challenge those thoughts and ideas. Recognize that understanding your triggers is key to breaking free from unhelpful thinking patterns.
Also, develop a self-care routine that includes activities that bring you joy and relaxation. By managing stress, you can decrease your chances of focusing on thoughts that are distressing and aren't necessarily true.
Next, take action to address underlying issues that may be contributing to your overthinking. Practice vulnerability and openness with your partner to build intimacy and trust. Stay connected by engaging in activities that bring you and your partner closer together.
Recognize that building intimacy takes time and effort but is essential for a healthy relationship.
When you undertake a change like this, practice self-compassion and recognize that setbacks are a natural part of the process. Celebrate your successes and progress along the way, and continue to be mindful in order to maintain clarity and momentum.
Recognize that stopping overthinking is a journey, not a destination. Don't expect to fix things all at once, but give yourself grace and keep moving forward.
Feelings can be difficult, but stopping overthinking is possible with the right tools and support. Cultivate a growth mindset and recognize that relationships require effort and communication to thrive. Seek support and guidance from professionals, friends, and family to maintain clarity and momentum, and if you need more, talk to a professional.
At Williamsburg Therapy Group Chicago, our team of doctoral-level psychotherapists in Fulton Market offers both online and in-person sessions to accommodate a busy life and allow you to work with a provider that can facilitate healing, offering a variety of practical strategies, healthy coping skills, and relaxation techniques that will allow you to reduce the emotional and physical symptoms of anxiety and experience a greater quality of life.
Don’t hesitate to seek help if you’re struggling with anxious thoughts or feelings around your relationship. With the right treatment and support, it’s possible to treat anxiety. Reach out to our customer service coordinator to get matched with a professional who can offer tools and strategies to manage symptoms and reduce anxiety in a way that allows you to live a more fulfilling life.