Relationship problems can be effectively resolved or blown completely out of proportion depending on your communication style. Have you ever gotten annoyed at your partner by some trivial thing, and because you were upset attacked them in a way that caused a defensive response? Then, despite the both of you knowing that this is a silly thing to become upset about, you both dig in and become upset in a way that feels like you've ruined the day?
It's not uncommon to let relationship problems with your partner escalate because of emotional response, but the good news is that healthy communication skills can be learned and practiced in a way that can lead to feeling connected and emotionally in the same place. Happily married couples are not free from relationship problems; rather, they understand how to effectively approach them as a team.
Step one is to learn to recognize certain relationship problems when they arise so that you can address them in a timely way. While it's not exactly an interesting topic for an article or a podcast episode, it's more often an exacerbation of boring and common daily problems with your partner that lead to breakups rather than dramatic events.
Some common issues that can start small and grow over time in long-term relationships include:
Unsolved relationship issues trigger deeper worries about how safe and secure partners feel together. Relationship hurts trigger bigger questions: Do I matter to you? Are we okay? Conflicting expectations of gender roles and cohabitation challenges can also fuel relationship breakdown.
A healthy relationship involves learning to allow emotions and see them as a couple to resolve them. Hard feelings between partners don’t go away on their own, and it’s essential to address the issue to resolve it.
While it can be tempting to minimize relationship problems or avoid painful conversations, avoiding emotional pain in a relationship can work against you. It's crucial to learn how to talk about the problem to soothe and resolve it before it grows out of control.
When you know it's time for a talk about a particular issue, it can be important to prepare before you bring it up to your partner.
First, identify the specific issue that’s bothering you and why it’s important to you. Explore your thoughts, feelings, and fears related to the issue so that you can explain them in a way that makes sense. Recognize that your partner’s behavior may be a symptom of a deeper issue, and approach the conversation with empathy and understanding.
One of the most important factors of having a conversation about relationship problems is choosing the right time and place to discuss them. Consider your partner’s mood and energy levels. Running up to them as soon as they get home from work and are exhausted can lead to angry fights, no matter what your initial intentions are.
When approaching your partner, also be sure to be mindful of your own emotions and reactions. Approach the conversation with a calm and open mind.
Identify what you actually need and how you want those needs to be fulfilled. Simply approaching relationship problems with your partner as a sort of nebulous issue can be unhelpful. Be ready to calmly state what it is you need or what your deal breakers are.
Approach the conversation with a loving spirit and assume the best about your partner. It can be easy to assign nefarious motives when you are upset, but try to take a more generous approach.
One final tip: be aware of your body language and tone, as they can greatly impact the conversation.
Learning to communicate can be essential in learning to work through relationship problems. Listen actively, and approach your partner in a vulnerable way.
When making “I” statements, you are less likely to elicit a defensive response from your partner. For example, if your relationship problems include feeling ignored, don't simply say "You've been ignoring my needs." Instead try, "I felt hurt and ignored when you made plans with your friends without telling me last night because we usually do stuff together on Fridays. Can we talk about discussing our plans more clearly moving forward?"
Avoid making statements that imply your partner is wrong or that you know what they are thinking or feeling. (i.e. "You don't love me!" or "You never think about my feelings!") Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings, such as “I need you to listen to me more” or “I feel neglected.”
When addressing a difficult issue, make a direct complaint rather than a criticism or contemptuous accusation. Focus on the relationship problem itself rather than your partner’s character, and describe what is happening without evaluation or judgment. Avoid blaming or attacking language, which can lead to defensiveness and conflict.
Expressing gratitude can help create a positive atmosphere and make your partner more receptive to difficult conversations. Find something to say thank you for and do so sincerely. Practice active listening and empathy to avoid defensiveness.
It's not just the offensive strategies that need to be managed, but also your own reactions to your partner's words. Here are some strategies that can help.
Avoid saving up your complaints and irritations, as this can lead to resentment and conflict. Check in with yourself before sharing your concerns with your partner, and make sure you are not just reacting to a bad mood or insecurity. Talk about issues as soon as they arise, rather than letting them build up over time.
Be aware of your own emotions and reactions, and take a step back if necessary. Practice self-regulation and take a break if the conversation becomes too heated. This can be as simple as saying, "I need a break to calm down and take some breaths. Let's come back to this in a few minutes."
When you talk about relationship problems with your partner, it's important to stay focused on finding a resolution and avoid getting sidetracked by emotions. Practice active listening and empathy to avoid defensiveness.
Feeling connected is one of the mainstays for those who are happily married or in happy long-term partnerships. Here are some ways that you can keep that connection strong in your relationship.
Emotional connection is essential for a healthy relationship, so prioritize activities that bring you joy and closeness, such as weekly dates or shared activities playing video games together. Cultivate a growth mindset and embrace challenges as opportunities for growth together. Lack of intimacy is one of the top relationship problems that leads to breakups or divorces.
Make a point to engage in activities that bring you joy and closeness, and make your partner feel loved with your attention. Expect that same kind of attention in return. Prioritize quality time together and make an effort to connect on a regular basis, scheduling regular date nights and couples adventures.
Cultivate a growth mindset and embrace challenges as opportunities for growth. Prioritize learning and self-improvement, and support each other’s goals and aspirations. Create a balance of time spent together as well as time spent independently.
Learning to deal with relationship issues before they become deal breakers can help you to maintain a strong partnership. Respect your relationship, love your partner, and be ready to talk about what's wrong before they create distance.
Learn to repair and rebuild after conflicts. Approach your relationship as a team effort, and your partner as your team member. Speak up about your wants, needs, and desires. Learn conflict resolution strategies and practice forgiveness and letting go of grudges. Learn to center your attention on the present and future, rather than past conflicts.
Learning to talk about relationship problems with your partner is not necessarily a skill that we're born with. Some can communicate more effectively than others, depending on their upbringing and personality factors. However, communication is a skill that anyone can learn and can really create a sense of connection in a relationship for the long run. Therapy can help.
At Williamsburg Therapy Group, our team of doctoral-level South Lamar psychotherapists offers a number of evidence-based therapeutic approaches to talk therapy that offer the tools necessary for building positive relationships, learning how to talk to each other when something is wrong, and sharing communication skills that show respect to your partner even when you're angry or upset.
If you are having trouble navigating relationship issues and feel there's little hope for change, call our service coordinator to be matched with a therapist that can offer strategies and support for conflict resolution, building intimacy, as well as share other strategies to improve conversation with your partner and improve intimacy in your relationship.