Key Takeaways
Mean behavior is often driven by negative emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness, as well as cultural misunderstandings about how people treat one another.
Common root causes include certain mental health conditions, low self-esteem and insecurity, past trauma, and even physical pain or chronic illness.
Recognizing the harm your behavior causes and taking responsibility for it is one of the most important first steps toward lasting change.
Seeking professional help, practicing self-awareness and empathy, and focusing on personal growth through habits like exercise, sleep, and boundaries can help reduce mean behavior over time.
Most people don't set out to act mean toward others, but many don't have the self-awareness to understand why they do it, and therefore don't take steps to do better. If you feel that you may act like a mean person in your professional or personal life, this article can help you make some connections to why you may act the way you do. Being mean on occasion doesn't make you a bad person, but taking the time to determine what causes these behaviors can help you become a better person.
Negative feelings can play a large role in certain behaviors. Anger, frustration, irritability, and even sadness can contribute to acting mean toward others. Identifying and addressing underlying negative emotions can help you change such behavior, especially when working with someone else like a friend, family members, or a mental health care professional.
Perceptions can also have something to do with it. Cultural differences can lead to misunderstandings about how people act toward one another. For example, one culture may not believe that it's appropriate to have a child in their home, while another family may feel that it's unpardonable not to offer food to someone who is visiting. Taking time to understand cultural differences can sometimes go a long way toward avoiding hurt feelings.
For more ongoing mean behavior causing distress and creating relationship issues in your life, let's take a look at some root causes that may lead to poor behavior toward others.
Certain mental health disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and intermittent explosive disorder, can lead to mean behavior. These types of mental illness can affect emotional regulation, which can lead to angry outbursts and poor treatment of others. Even social anxiety can lead to perceived rude behavior, as someone experiencing it may feel overwhelmed and seem like they're in a bad mood because they avoid others.
By seeking professional help from a licensed clinical psychologist or other mental health practitioner, you can learn to address these underlying mental health issues, learn healthier ways to cope with anger issues, social anxiety, or other mental health problems, and get to the root cause of your negative thoughts and feelings. By spending time healing past trauma, you can become a nicer person over time.
Another common cause of meanness is low self-esteem and insecurity. These can lead to mean behaviors as a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. By building self-esteem and confidence, you can learn to regain control over feeling mean, and to treat others (and yourself) more kindly.
Traumatic experiences and past events can shape behavior and lead to mean behavior. For example, if a child has been raised in an environment of physical and psychological abuse, they may have learned to hate people and harbor a strong distrust toward others. Often, they may continue to feel threatened by others, feeling angry a lot of the time. By addressing and working through these past experiences with professionals, someone with these angry feelings and feelings of fear and distrust can change their mean thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
It's not only a mental health condition or other psychological issue that can cause mean feelings and behavior. Physical pain can be a contributor as well. Someone with a chronic illness that causes fatigue, distress, or pain, can be at greater risk for impatient or angry behavior. They may also be at a higher risk for co-occurring anxiety or depression, other causes of mean behavior. By addressing these physical health issues, and the emotional state they create,
If you have begun to realize that you want to make a change in how you treat others, there are steps you can take to make big changes over time.
The first, and one might argue most important step, is recognizing the harm caused by mean behaviors. By understanding that a mean comment, an anger problem, saying nasty things about friends, and other maladaptive behaviors have an impact on the lives and feelings of others, you can then start to take action. By taking on responsibility for your behavior, you are a good part of the way toward making lasting change.
Even with the best of intentions, it can be difficult to identify and make changes to behavior on your own. Seeking help from a mental health professional can provide guidance and support in changing our thoughts and behaviors. Whether you feel angry as a symptom of a mental health condition, have lacked good role models for kind behavior, or are simply unsure of why you are mean to others, a mental health professional can help.
For those who may find it difficult to schedule and attend therapy sessions, online therapy offers a convenient and accessible option for those who want guidance from a professional. Online therapy can also allow you to meet with a specialist who may not otherwise be accessible in your area, such as a psychologist who works with bipolar disorder, personality disorder, or other difficult to treat conditions.
In the meantime, practicing self-awareness and empathy can help you learn to understand and manage your emotions. You can work on empathy exercises found online, or as homework from a therapist. Practicing empathy and understanding can help you build stronger, more positive relationships. You can also learn communication skills in the same way. In some cases, it can be a lack of social skills that is to blame for mean or rude behavior. Learn to be a good listener. Developing healthy communication skills and body language can also help reduce mean behavior.
Moving forward, focusing on personal growth and development can help individuals move forward from mean behavior. Also, by prioritizing self-care and self-reflection, you can develop a more positive and empathetic outlook.
Research shows that certain lifestyle habits can help with stress management and keep your emotions in check. Some ways you can help address the root cause of anger and reduce mean behaviors include:
It's not uncommon to feel that you hate people at times, or to feel jealous, angry or small-minded. However, if we let these emotions get away with us, it can have a negative impact on our relationships.
At Williamsburg Therapy Group, our team of doctoral-level psychotherapists for anger management offers evidence-based therapeutic approaches that can help you manage emotions like anger or anxiety, and allow you to heal any hurt in your life that may affect you as a person.
Give us a call today, and our patient coordinator will help you find the right therapist to offer emotional support as well as tools and strategies to help you build strong communication skills, examine your anger, and move forward with kinder behavior toward the people in your life.
Why am I so mean to people?
Most people don't set out to act mean, but many lack the self-awareness to understand why they do it. Negative feelings like anger, frustration, irritability, and sadness can play a large role. Perceptions and cultural differences can also contribute, along with deeper root causes like mental health conditions, low self-esteem, trauma, or physical pain.
Can mental health conditions cause mean behavior?
Yes. Certain mental health disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and intermittent explosive disorder, can lead to mean behavior by affecting emotional regulation, which can cause angry outbursts. Even social anxiety can lead to perceived rude behavior, as someone may feel overwhelmed and seem like they're in a bad mood because they avoid others.
How does low self-esteem lead to meanness?
Low self-esteem and insecurity can lead to mean behaviors as a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. By building self-esteem and confidence, you can learn to regain control over feeling mean and treat others, and yourself, more kindly.
Can past trauma cause someone to be mean?
Yes. Traumatic experiences and past events can shape behavior. For example, a child raised in an environment of physical and psychological abuse may learn to distrust others and feel threatened or angry much of the time. Working through these past experiences with professionals can help change those mean thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
How can I change my mean behavior?
There are several steps you can take, including recognizing the harm caused by your behavior, taking responsibility for it, seeking help from a mental health professional, practicing self-awareness and empathy, improving communication skills, and focusing on personal growth. Lifestyle habits like deep breathing, regular exercise, enough sleep, and setting boundaries can also help.
Can therapy help with mean behavior?
Yes. Even with the best intentions, it can be difficult to change behavior on your own. A mental health professional can provide guidance and support, whether your anger is a symptom of a mental health condition, the result of lacking good role models, or something you simply don't understand. Online therapy also offers a convenient option and access to specialists who may not be available in your area.