While it can be incredibly frustrating when someone gives you the silent treatment, in some cases, it can be a red flag for even bigger problems. Getting the silent treatment can indicate that you are dealing with a transient moment of pique with your romantic partner, or it can be part of a larger systematic history of emotional abuse.
In this article, we'll examine how to determine whether the silent treatment is part of a larger issue in your romantic relationship, and what you can do if you are dealing with a cycle of emotional distance and poor communication.
Also commonly referred to as "getting the cold shoulder," silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person withholds communication, attention, and care as a means of punishing the other person. The silent treatment may simply be a fleeting reaction to a situation from a person who isn't the best at communication skills, or it can be a regular pattern of behavior in abusive relationships.
The silent treatment can happen in any type of relationship, including romantic relationships, friendships, and family relationships.
The silent treatment is a sign of emotional abuse if it is used regularly as a power play to control or manipulate the other person. Other signs of emotional abuse include verbal abuse, physical violence, and emotional distance. Emotional abuse can have short- and long-term effects, including feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
People may use the silent treatment as a means of regaining power and control in a relationship. By withholding communication, they can create a feeling of uneasiness, distress, or other negative feelings in the other person. It may be used as a punishment, or as a means of manipulating the other person to do something that they want. Abusive people may stop talking to their good friends or romantic partner in response to the other trying to exert healthy boundaries. One partner may use the silent treatment to chip away at self esteem as part of a greater campaign of emotional abuse and domestic violence.
The silent treatment is not always used as a control tactic. For some others, it can be a way to avoid conflict or difficult conversations. The silent partner may have experienced a dysfunctional relationship with their caregivers and have difficulty with intimate relationships. Even if not used to exert control, a person who uses the silent treatment for extended periods to avoid conflict or in a passively aggressive manner can still cause damage. In these cases, working on building better communication skills and learning how to resolve conflict with a licensed therapist can help.
The silent treatment can cause emotional pain and distress to the person on the receiving end, as their partner's behavior can feel confusing and frustrating to them. If the silent treatment is a part of their everyday life, then it can also lead to feelings of rejection, exclusion, and low self-esteem. They may begin to have difficulty trusting their own feelings as well.
Over time, the silent treatment can also create a sense of emotional distance and make it difficult to communicate effectively. When a partner, member of the family, or close friend use the silent treatment as a form of emotional abuse, the other person's feelings toward them may be become irreparable and lead to a split in the relationship.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being. Even if it's "just emotional abuse," it can still cause physical pain, wreck mental health, and may even escalate into physical violence, especially if you have decided to leave.
Before taking definitive action to leave an abusive situation, seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Next, create a safety plan, including a safe place to stay and a support network to help keep you protected from both immediate danger and emotional manipulation.
Finally, work with a therapist for your mental health. Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can be stressful, and the trauma of an abusive relationship can leave scars. Individual therapy can help you heal as well as offer practical tools for seeking and maintaining healthy relationships with others.
Even if you find that your friend, partner, or family is using the silent treatment in a way that stems from their own inability to express themselves rather than emotional abuse, healthy relationships require effective communication, including active listening and expressing one’s own feelings.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming the other person. Share that you are interested in building a healthy relationship with them and that the silent treatment hurts your feelings. Allow them time to talk and make an effort to understand the other person’s feelings and validate their experience.
If you’re in a relationship where the silent treatment is used, it’s essential to address the issue and work towards rebuilding a healthy relationship. Once you have shared your own experience and listened to the other person's feelings, seek couples therapy to work through communication issues and to build trust with one another. The silent treatment makes direct communication impossible, but you can build these skills over time.
With professional help, you can better make an effort to understand each other's needs and feelings. The silent treatment doesn't have to mean the end of otherwise healthy relationships, as long as you work together to learn to communicate with each other in a healthy way. You or your partner may be referred to anger management to deal with difficult emotions that can occur alongside demand withdrawal patterns established in a relationship.
Remember, however, that if you are experiencing emotional abuse through or alongside of the silent treatment, or if you are experiencing physical or verbal abuse, look for online resources and support groups for people in abusive relationships.
If you realize that the silent treatment is just one indicator of a greater cycle of emotional abuse, and that you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be important to create a safety plan when you intend to leave. Leaving abusive relationships can necessitate the need for support, including a safe place to stay and a social network of safe people. Identify trusted friends and family who can provide this support, and make a plan for how to leave the relationship safely.
Healing from emotional abuse takes time and support. Friends, family members, or partners who use the silent treatment may not mean to use it as a type of verbal abuse, but the only person to whom this matters is the one who is effected. If you choose to work together to address a partner's behavior in a healthy way, and heal from the cold shoulder treatment in your relationship, it can be important to seek therapy or counseling to work through your feelings and develop coping strategies.
Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and sense of self-worth after dealing with the emotional abuse of the silent treatment. Self-care practices can help improve your mental health in everyday life and prepare you to seek healing for your relationship issues in a healthy way.
Though it is a form of emotional abuse, many who use the silent treatment don't intend to use it in that way; rather, they have not learned behaviors that allow them to express their feelings in a healthy way. Human beings have a great capacity for change, especially when involved in intimate relationships that are important to them. Therapy can help.
At Williamsburg Therapy Group, our team of doctoral-level Austin psychotherapists offers both online and in-person sessions to accommodate a busy life and allow you to work with a provider that can meet your needs. Whether you find that you are on the receiving end of the cold shoulder, or that you are the one who tends to use the silent treatment, our therapists have the tools to improve communication skills and boost self-esteem.
Call today to find a licensed therapist for individual therapy and couples counseling that can help resolve issues around using the silent treatment and put you on the road to building healthier relationships.