Confronting the Relationship 4 Horsemen: A Guide to Healing and Growth

Relationship problems are common, especially in close ties like longstanding romantic relationships. Understanding our communication habits and learning how to have productive conversation can be essential to building and maintaining a healthy relationship with a significant other.

The Gottman Institute, the source for a popular kind of couple therapy, offers a framework for healthy communication habits called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or "Four Horsemen" in shorthand. In this article, we'll take a closer look at how the Four Horsemen approach works and ways you can incorporate these techniques into building healthy relationships.

Understanding the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, identified by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, are four negative communication styles that can predict relationship failure: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

These habits are destructive communication patterns that can lead to a “distance and isolation cascade,” causing couples to turn away from each other and neglect their connection needs. Recognizing and addressing these habits is crucial for building a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Gottman’s research has shown that couples who use these habits chronically are more likely to experience relationship problems, become less connected and less satisfied with their relationship, and in some cases, eventually divorce.

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling

Criticism is the act of attacking a partner’s personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. This can lead to things like name-calling or utilizing shame to make their partner feel small.

Defensiveness occurs when an individual attempts to defend themselves from a perceived attack with a counterattack. This response is often rooted in a victim mentality, and when the body detects criticism, it feels like a global attack.

Contempt is any statement or behavior that puts one partner on a higher ground than the other, often through the use of shame and mean-spirited sarcasm or actions like eye rolling. Contemptuous exchanges can lead to low self-esteem, resentment, and decreased intimacy.

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation prior to resolution. The person stonewalling may have issues with confrontation, or they may use this behavior as a control tactic.

Whether consciously or unconsciously used, these Four Horseman habits can lead to a breakdown in communication and a decrease in relational satisfaction.

Overcoming the Four Horsemen

According to Gottman, there are antidotes to the Four Horsemen behaviors that can be learned and applied to help improve communication.

The antidote to criticism is a “gentle startup,” which involves expressing what you noticed, sharing your feelings using “I” statements, and expressing positive need. Gentle startup is an impactful way to share feelings without the other person experiencing perceived criticism.

The antidote to defensiveness is to hear your partner’s complaint and accept responsibility for your part, no matter how big or small.

The antidote to the third horseman, contempt, is to lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviors, setting boundaries, and working on building a culture of appreciation within the relationship.

The antidote to stonewalling is for the individual to identify the signs of emotional overwhelm and agree to take a break, allowing them to self-soothe before returning to the conversation. Self-soothing can help your partner become able to participate in conflict resolution.

Building Healthy Communication

Healthy relationships require effective communication techniques, including active listening, empathy, and validation.

Couples can build healthy communication skills by practicing gentle startups, using “I” statements, and focusing on the issue rather than attacking each other’s personalities.

New communication practices can be developed through practice and patience, leading to more productive conversations and a stronger relationship.

Managing Conflict and Repairing Relationships

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it’s how couples manage conflict that matters. For many, a complaint focuses on some personal defect, basically implying that they are a bad person. Perception can inflate issues that aren't even very important and create situations in which one feels that they are the innocent victim of bad behavior.

Couples can manage conflict by recognizing the Four Horsemen and replacing them with new communication practices. Repairing relationships requires a willingness to listen, validate each other’s feelings, and work together to find solutions.

Finding a Couples Counselor

If you’re struggling to overcome the Four Horsemen and build a healthy relationship, consider seeking the help of a couples counselor. Couples therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment for you and your partner to work through your issues and develop new communication skills.

Online couples therapy options are also available for those who prefer the convenience of therapy from home.

Creating a Supportive Relationship Environment

A supportive relationship environment is crucial for building a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Couples can create a supportive environment by practicing appreciation, gratitude, and empathy. By focusing on the positive aspects of each other and the relationship, couples can build a stronger and more resilient relationship.

The challenge is that many people are not born and raised with great communication habits and may have difficulty understanding how to have disagreements without negative factors like name-calling, criticisms, or the reaction to respond defensively with things like the silent treatment.

Managing Anticipatory Anxiety in Austin, TX

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are four negative communication styles that can predict relationship failure. By recognizing and addressing these habits, couples can build a healthy and fulfilling relationship. With practice, patience, and the right tools, couples can overcome the Four Horsemen and create a supportive and loving relationship environment.

At Williamsburg Therapy Group, our team of doctoral-level Austin couples therapists offers both online and in-person sessions to accommodate a busy life and allow you to work with a provider that can facilitate healing, offering a variety of practical strategies, healthy coping skills, and communication techniques that will allow you to rebuild intimacy and communication in your relationships.

If you have been thinking about seeking help for communication problems in your relationship or marriage, reach out to our customer service coordinator to get matched with a professional who can offer tools and new skills to help rebuild your relationship and experience greater mental health and life satisfaction.