Social groups can be an extremely important aspect of your life, with strong relationships offering both mental and physical health benefits. That being said, there are periods in our lives where we transition into new friend groups, and some of the old ties come unraveled. When we understand that we're moving in different directions from our friends, we may start to wonder what to do if they are drifting apart. How can we maintain the importance of our old friends while making room for new ones?
Understanding Why Friendships Drift
Life Changes and Growing Apart
As people grow and change, friendships can drift apart due to different life circumstances and priorities. For example, many in the friend group of your twenties may be single and career-oriented while you have since married and have small children. Neither of these circumstances is negative, but it can be difficult to find common ground when you are following two very different directions in your life.
You may feel guilty canceling another date with one of your best friends because the baby is sick, and they might feel guilty not coming by because they don't really want to hang out with children. At one point in your friendship, you may have had so much to say to one another, but now you find that you're searching for topics to talk about.
Other dynamics may be involved including:
- Shifts in values
- Moving far away because of a job or other life circumstances
- Another friendship grows stronger
- A fight amongst the people in your friend group
- Your relationship was right for a certain time in your life (such as university, high school, a first job, etc.), and you move in different circles now
It’s essential to acknowledge that friendships, like life, are dynamic and can ebb and flow over time. We should also recognize that growing apart can also be a natural part of life, and it’s okay to mourn the loss of the way things used to be. All relationships, including friendships, must adapt to changes in life. A friend that was an essential part of your life five years ago may just be someone you send Christmas cards to today, and that's okay as long as we remain open to new friendships and relationships.
Moving Forward and Finding Closure
No matter what causes the shift in your friendship, it is completely normal to experience a period of mourning. Losing a friend can hurt, even if you realize that you may be better off in the long run. The world may seem like a howling wilderness for a while, but in the end a new relationship can become just as important. In the meantime, it can help to give yourself time to feel your feelings.
Coping with the Loss of a Best Friend and Focusing on Self-Care
Respect your feelings and realize it’s okay to be sad or confused when a friendship ends or changes. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the way things used to be, as sadness is the mind's way of saying “this mattered.” Don't repress your feelings, but allow yourself to mourn what you lost.
In the meantime, focus on self-care and prioritize your emotional well-being during this time. Remember that you have other friends or family that care about your grief and pain, and you’re not alone in dealing with the loss of a friendship.
Reconnecting with Your Close Friend
While there are times and seasons that we may grow apart from a particular friend, there are also times when we may grow back together. Especially as we get older, we may find more time in our lives to re-forge old connections.
Making an Effort to Rekindle the Friendship
Reach out to your close friend and express your desire to catch up and reconnect. They may not always be interested in rekindling the friendship, but it's worth a shot. Be honest and open with your friend about your feelings and concerns, even if it’s uncomfortable.
If this old friend shares an interest in talking about reconnecting, you can plan a fun day or activity to rekindle the friendship and show that it’s still important to you. If they feel angry or hurt about the rift, listen to what your friend has to say, and acknowledge their perspective on your friendship.
Embracing Change and New Opportunities
Often times, a person moves to a new city with a new job, and finds themselves lonely due to a lack of relationships. You may miss one specific person, or a whole friend group. The good news is that while you may feel sad about what you lost, there are many more opportunities to build a new friend group.
Meeting New Friends and Expanding Your Social Circle
Open yourself up to new people around you, both new and familiar, and make an effort to connect with others. Every best friend started out as a stranger, and good relationships require vulnerability, communication, and time.
No matter how sad you are about losing your old friendships, leave room in your heart for new friends and remember that there are people around you who want to get to know you. Accept that things sometimes change beyond our control, and focus on building new friendships that bring joy and fulfillment to your life.
Maintaining a Friendship in Brooklyn
Whatever the status of an older friendship, you don't have to give up on the relationship altogether. While the initial change can be difficult, therapy can help you prioritize self care, cope in healthy ways, and shift your attention to the present and future.
At Williamsburg Therapy Group our team of doctoral-level psychotherapists offers a number of evidence-based therapeutic approaches to talk therapy that offer tools for reducing stress, building friendships, exploring your interests, and increasing life satisfaction overall.
If you have been feeling overwhelmed by life changes that have created rifts or changes in your friend group, give us a call today, and our patient coordinator will help you find the right Brooklyn therapist to help you identify challenges, and create a personalized treatment plan to put you on the path toward improved mental health and wellness.
Williamsburg Therapy Group
