Effective Strategies: How to Get a Child to Listen Without a Power Struggle

Parenting isn't easy. When a child refuses to listen to a direct command, it can be incredibly frustrating and lead to feelings of stress around how to manage your child's behavior in a healthy way. In this article, we'll share some evidence-based strategies from experts to common concerns expressed by parents when it comes to healthy discipline.

Understanding the Importance of Listening in Family Life

Listening is a key skill that children need to thrive in family life. Poor listening skills can lead to other difficulties for a child, such as tantrums, defiance, and backtalk, while developing good listening skills in your child is crucial for effective communication, healthy family dynamics, and a harmonious home environment.

Why Children Don’t Listen

Children have a hard-wired need for power and control. When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways, they will exert it in negative ways. Children use their bodies and language to defy requests, asserting their power and need for control.

Creating a Positive Listening Environment

Creating a safe and supportive environment encourages children to share more, and also develop better listening skills. Some ways you can create positive outcomes include:

• Set clear expectations and boundaries for your child
• Be physically present for your child, and fulfil their needs
• Ensure your child’s full attention before communicating. Make eye contact, and speak with intention
• Use positive reinforcement to encourage good listening habits
• Avoid distractions and ensure your child heard what you said

Effective Communication Strategies

How you communicate can make a great difference in your child's behavior. Often a direct command leaves a child cold if you frame it in a vague or negative way.

Use direct commands that leave no question in the child’s mind what they are being told to do, and state commands positively, telling your child what to “GO” do instead of what not to do. Avoid using “no,” “don’t,” “stop,” “quit it,” etc. Give one command at a time, as children have a hard time remembering more than one thing at a time.

For example, if your child doesn't want to get off their tablet, you might say, "Screen time is done now. Let's go outside and play in the sandbox."

Getting the Child’s Attention

If your child is ignoring you, there are some ways you can get their attention. Lower yourself to their level and make eye contact to communicate more effectively. Proximity is key to strengthening communication. When you speak, use a soft but firm voice. Children don't like being yelled at any more than an adult does.

Teaching Active Listening Skills

Active listening is an important lifetime skill to learn. You can practice active listening with your child to improve communication, and help them understand how to really hear other people. Use simple language and ask your child to repeat back what you’ve said to ensure they’ve understood. Encourage your child to ask questions and seek clarification when needed. Model these behaviors yourself with them and other members of the household.

Setting Clear Expectations

Kids' brains are not yet developed enough to decipher nuance and vague ideas. If you want your child to listen, set clear expectations and boundaries. Make sure your child understands what is expected of them by asking them to explain it back to you. Consistently use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior. It may take some time for these boundaries to take hold, but your efforts pay off in time.

Avoiding Power Struggles

If you want your child to listen, avoid using harsh punishment, as it can lead to resentment and a lack of trust between parents and children. State commands positively, and use natural consequences instead of punishments to teach your child about responsibility and accountability. Stay consistent, as consequences occurring unpredictably can be confusing for children. Avoid giving repeated instruction (nagging), as it can lead to frustration and power struggles.

Encouraging Independence and Responsibility

To successfully teach your child to listen, give them choices and allow them to make decisions...even small ones, such as picking out their outfit for the day. Encourage your child to take responsibility for their actions, and offer verbal praise to your child for their efforts and accomplishments.

Managing Distractions and Interruptions

Minimize distractions and interruptions when communicating with your child. Use a calm and clear tone of voice when giving instructions. Be emotionally and physically present when speaking; avoid using electronic devices when communicating with your child.

Building a Strong Relationship

You can reward compliance or implement negative consequences all you want, but if you aren't a cherished presence for your child, these may not mean much. Spend quality time with your child and engage in activities they enjoy to build trust, love, and empathy.

Show physical affection and praise your child for their efforts and accomplishments, and use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior. A child's unresponsiveness can often stem from a lack of respect born of missing affection or attention.

Making the Child Feel Heard

Another essential foundation to building strong communication and connection with your child is to hear and understand what they have to say. Listen to your child and validate their feelings. Use active listening skills to ensure your child feels heard, avoid interrupting your child, and allow them to finish speaking. A child who feels heard is far less prone to hurricane force tantrums and consistent disobedience.

Creating a Positive Family Culture

Family dynamics can play a large role in introducing and reinforcing behaviors. Establish a positive and supportive family culture by encouraging open communication and active listening with all members of the family. Establish healthy boundaries, and show respect to each family member as a way to model the behavior you want to see in your child.

Maintaining Consistency

Consistently reinforce good listening habits, using positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior. You may give a warning, but avoid repeat requests or making numerous requests, as repeated instruction can lead to frustration and power struggles. If they ignore or refuse the first time, you may implement a negative consequence such as a brief time out or losing a privilege such as a video game.

Get Help if Necessary

If your child's behavior is beyond your control either at home, school, or in the community, you should seek additional support from family members, friends, or professionals if needed. You can search out and use resources such as books and online articles to learn new strategies. You may also join a support group to connect with other parents who may be experiencing similar challenges.

Encouraging Your Child to Listen in Austin, TX

It can feel overwhelming trying to stay calm when your child exhibits behaviors ranging from ignoring numerous warnings, to outright defiance. Most parents are not handed parenting guidebooks when it comes to understanding how to create safe and healthy behaviors in kids, and we can all use a little help.

At Williamsburg Therapy Group our team of doctoral-level psychotherapists offer a number of evidence-based therapeutic approaches to talk therapy that offer the tools necessary for learning how to get on the child's level, stay calm in the face of tantrums, manage stress, and more strategies to help parents eventually learn how to guide their children with gentle touches.

If you are dealing with complicated feelings around your child, or the stress of being a parent is negatively impacting your life, call our service coordinator to be matched with a therapist that can help you work through your feelings in a healthy way, and offer tools and strategies that can help you feel good about parenting again.